Brain Spew Receptacle

Thoughts-
Don't get your hopes up
You're not going to get it
Don't hope. It'll just suck more when you don't get it
I really could like this job
I might stay in this field for a long time
I can do this job

Feelings-
Excitment 60%
nervous 30%
dread 70%
confident 50%

8/29/10

Situation -
Mike tells me to move out.

Thoughts-
I ruin everything
Life is always going to be shit
I can't do anything right
I'm a user. I use everyone
I have nothing left
I ruin every thing
I ruin every thing
I ruin every thing
This isn't just a "hard time" I bring it all on myself
Nobody can trust me

Feelings-
Worthless 100%
Useless 96%
sad 10%
angry 75%
hopeless 90%

8/29/10

Situation-
Kim offered to let me sleep in her basement

Thoughts-
She doesn't really want me
I'll screw that up too
It'll just be a repeat of Mike & Mark
I can't do anything right
I don't try hard enough
I don't deserve her friendship
She shouldn't be so nice to me
I can't tale her offer because she might find out that I'm a user and not worth her help
I am just like my mother
I'm not worth her trouble
I should just kill myself
All I do it take
If I accept her offer she'll regret it and never help anyone again, even someone more deserving than me.

Haiku boo

2010-08-30T01:10:00.001-07:00

via AudioBoo Fe ather downs winter // time savages everything //Smoldering feather

Not a happy read. You've been warned.

2010-08-29T11:08:00.001-07:00

This isn't a suicide note. This is a to be or not to be note.

My housemate told me today that I need to move out.

I have nowhere to go. Litterally. I have no friends to lean on, no money to support myself and get my own place.

I have 2 option. Be homeless, or be nothing.

I can't imagine being homeless. I'd have to get rid of all my things except for a backpack of... What? Clothes? Food? What do homeless people keep with them? What would I do with my cat? Homeless people can't keep cats.

I could also die. If I'm dead, then I don't have to worry about where I'll sleep, whether I'll get mugged, or beat up in the street. I won't have to worry about my cat.

Killing myself seems like the best option right now. Like it often does. The only thing that bothers me about that is... Well... I've started to see a little bit of point to living since I was last at this juncture.

I don't specifically want to die right now, but it seems to be the best of two options.

The story of Bed Boy

2010-08-27T13:14:00.001-07:00

Listen!

Bed boy and I started talking online, mid October. He was funny and charming, but I had no desire to take it any farther than just an online friendship.

After 2 months of talking online daily and a few phone calls, I finally gave in. I invited him over for a movie.

I'd seen pictures of him, but I wasn't really prepared for what I saw. A scruffy, somewhat overweight man about 5'10". A man with a heart-stopping smile, warm eyes and an infectious laugh.

I was instantly drawn to him, and made no resistance when, during the movie, he put his arm around me and pulled me close to him. Being with him felt completely natural. He would look over at me occasionally and my eyes would be so drawn to his that I couldn't look away, couldn't breath...

After several minutes of cuddling and several heated looks he reached over, placed a finger under my chin and slowly moved in to place his lips against mine.

This was truly the best first kiss I'd ever had. We were both so at ease with each other that there was no awkwardness. Our lips moved in sync, our breathing perfectly matched. I may have fell in love with him at that very moment.

Needless to say, we didn't finish the movie. After several minutes of kissing and cuddling we decided to turn the movie off and go to bed. Again there was no awkwardness as we undressed, slid under the blanket and moved together. Neither of us talked about how far we were going to go last night, but we didn't need to. Everything was easy and natural. We kissed, touched, cuddled and slept. In the morning I walked him to his car and he kissed me goodbye for several minutes.

Later that day he texted me saying how much he enjoyed being with me and wanted to go out on a proper date. I accepted and we made plans for 4 days later.

Each moment was an eternity. I couldn't wait to see him again. The following 3 days were spent waiting eagerly for every text from him, and begging father time to make each minute pass faster. On the third day I got a text from him saying that he had to work and couldn't make our date. I was crushed, but told him that it was okay, and just to let me know when he was free again. That text never came.

We continued to text, but slowly, fewer and fewer a week until by the end of January, we weren't speaking.

What happened? What went wrong? I was certain that he felt the same connection I'd felt...

I let him go. You can't force someone to care about you, and I have never wanted that kind of love.

Middle of March, after not hearing from him for 2 months, he texts me. We talk a bit, he seems like the same charming, funny I first started talking to. I let my guard down bit by bit and let him in again. He said he was sorry, I said that I'd missed him, he said that he truly liked me, and wanted to see me again, and many times after. I invited him over again, and when he showed up at my door with that smile the hurt of the last 3 months completely melted away.

This time we didn't even try to watch a movie. We cuddled on the couch, touching, kissing, then, again, moved to the bed. There was so much passion and tenderness. We didn't have to say anything, everything was so natural. After making love we continued to cuddle until we fell asleep, he left in the morning saying we would set up a date for the next week.

He texted me throughout the day, saying sweet things, I may have fallen in love with him again that day.

That night he texts me. He says that he'd put 2 weeks notice in at his job. He was going to look for a new one, and if he didn't find one in 2 weeks, he'd move back home to Portland. I panicked. I couldn't lose him after I'd just gotten him back! I said comforting words, tried to be encouraging.

The next day I let him be, knowing that he was stressed out and he would text me when he had time.

Around 4pm I texted him to see how he was doing and got the following response: "Work let me go today. I've already moved back to Portland. Sorry."

How could I have been so dumb? How could I give my heart away so easily? He is the only man who has ever touched me so deeply. Even now, when I doubt that I ever loved my ex husband, or any of my former boyfriends, I think of him and know that that is the closest I've ever felt to being in love.

Every time I think of him it hurts. Even now, 5 months later. We only had 2 dates. How could someone carve themselves a place in my heart so quickly and stay there, unable to be washed away? He is the closest I've ever come to love at first sight, and possibly the closest I've ever come to really loving someone. I had to let him go and there is nothing I can do about it.

Cluster swears for @diaryofaledger

2010-08-27T00:13:00.001-07:00

Listen!

via AudioBoo

In bed on a rainy day. #bliss (@blade376)

2010-08-26T15:23:00.001-07:00

Listen!

via AudioBoo

King's Iceberg -- Share it!

2010-08-25T01:24:00.001-07:00

Listen!

via AudioBoo

Help: Listen and reply back to me! (I forgot the question though)

2010-08-25T00:33:00.001-07:00

Listen!

via AudioBoo

@Tru Bad dream. You were in it. Sad face.

2010-08-21T16:28:00.001-07:00

Listen!

via AudioBoo

Kittenboo! Bebeh kittehs!

2010-08-20T22:50:00.001-07:00

Listen!

via AudioBoo

Perky

2010-08-13T13:49:00.001-07:00

I. Woke. Up. Perky.

I popped out of bed with motivation. I applied to several jobs that I would actually enjoy doing. I turned on the radio. I looked forward to weeding.

Happy Friday the 13th.

After spending the last 2 days in the dismal clutches of a seemingly endless depression, I feel relieved and bit carefree!

Yesterday was terrible. I didn't want to speak, listen, see, think or exist. Worked myself into my first panic attack in years. Couldn't breath, couldn't stop scrubbing the deck. Monotonous movements were my only escape.

Started feeling suicidal again and became hysterical in the shower sincerely wondering why I still bothered to wake up. Sobbing uncontrollably to where I couldn't breath. A single moment of clarity made me impulsively turn the water to cold to snap myself out of it. After screaming and catching my breath from the icy shock, I realized I wasn't crying anymore.

I couldn't fall asleep until 6am, probably because I didn't want to take my sleeping pill. I woke at 7am, then a 9am, then finally at 11:30am. Upon waking, my first thought was, "I'm going to look for a job." And I did.

Not sure where the positive mood came from, and I don't really care. For the first time in months I feel good and I'm enjoying it.

I have died

2010-08-13T00:32:00.001-07:00

Though blood still courses through my body and air fills my lungs, I am dead.

By deleting my Twitter and Facebook acounts I no longer exist. My social presence has vanished.

I've, in part, suffered the death I long for.

There are hundreds of people in various corners of the earth who have called me 'friend'. Since I had never met them, and they no longer have means of communicating with me, I have vanished from their life as completely as if I had died.

All that remains of me is a memory.

Is this actually depression?

2010-08-04T19:40:00.001-07:00

I can talk. I can socialize with people. I can concentrate on a book or movie. I can get out of bed. I sound peppy.
If I can do all that, doesn't that make me normal? If a sign of depression is the inability to do those tasks, am I depressed? If I can get out of bed, talk to people and sound peppy, and concentrate, does that mean that I'm NOT depressed? Stands to reason...
Sure I made a plan to kill myself, have no ambition, don't see any personal worth, but maybe that's all justified, not depression. Perhaps there's truely no point to my life, and the desire to end it isn't caused by depression, but rather the realization that the world has nothing to gain from me being in it and nature trying to be rid of me.
27 years of wasted air, space, food... All resources in general. I've not made any impact on the world. There's nothing to show for my life, and if the past is any indication of the future, there will likely be another 27 years of the same. Why continue to consume when the resources I'm exhausting could fuel someone worthwhile?
These are valid thoughts and ideas. Directly stated, what if I'm not suffering from "depression" but simply a realization of the truth?

Mood: 2
Listening to: Jim Brickman- Lake Erie Rainfall

Disintegrating Raft

2010-08-04T18:58:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling lost today... I haven't don't any gardening since Friday and every time I think of getting out there I feel how hot it is and lose all interest in everything. I have done nothing today but read and watch some shows. I'm floundering, and can't fight my way to the top of the muck.

I feel like I need someone to talk to, but there's nobody. Did I ever have anyone to talk to? I must have... But who? Where did they go and why can't I remember their names?

There are people out there, but I can't trust them. I want to reach out, but I know they'll hurt me.

My life is like a hand-build raft. Feels solid, floats, but I don't really know what it takes to build a raft. My raft is slowly coming apart. I can swim, but not forever. I can reach out for a log and it will float me, but I know that eventually it will roll over and dump me back into the water...

Mood: 4

Lisntening to: Safe In Your Embrace- Kevin Kern

Ready to love again

2010-08-02T00:57:00.001-07:00

I've recently had a dawning. It's a biggy! Here it is: I deserve to treat myself with respect.

For many people, that's not so hard. For me? It's been years. Possibly decades since I've really believed that I deserve to get what I actually want and need instead of settling.

This post is centered around love. I have settled for so much. I married a man that I didn't truly love because I thought it was what I should have done. I have had sex with men that I didn't really care about, who only wanted sex FROM me. While that was fun, I now know that I deserve better. I owe myself more.

I'm ready to love now. I'm ready to be loved. I ready to demand caring. I'm no longer afraid of losing a guy because I want him to care about ALL of me. Before, I would give him what ever he wanted, usually just sex, because I thought that if I didn't, he wouldn't like me anymore. The truth is, I didn't like myself enough to know that all he wanted was sex, and I wouldn't get anything more than that from him. I couldn't say no.

I don't believe that anymore. I want affection. I want cuddling. I want conversation. I want love. I am ready for that. I am ready to accept that from a man who really does care about me.

I may not know that man right now, and I may not find him for years, but I'm ready to wait. I won't give in to anything less just for a moment of comfort. The man who can love me the way I deserve to be loved is out there and until I find him, I'm happy to wait. I don't need more temporary. I deserve permanent.

I won't settle. I don't need to. I can love myself enough until the right guy comes along. I refuse to give in.

Gardening Therapy

2010-07-30T21:12:00.001-07:00

Since getting out of the hospital and moving into a friend's house, I've had a project.

He wants me to turn his weedy overgrown garden into an Eden! Okay, not quite, I think even HE knows I have limits. He said that if I did all the weeding and planting it would cover rent. Seems fair enough for a safe and comfortable place for my kitty and I.

It's been a LOT more work than I anticipated. I didn't realize until we had a somewhat intense discussion that he had ulterior motives. He understands that a large part of my depression comes from a lack of goals and ambition. I have no desires, goals or aspirations in life and have spent the last 3 years simply existing. Working to pay bills with no view past the end of the month. Not accomplishing anything besides putting a roof over my head and food in my belly.

He wants me to produce something. Something that I can be proud of and call my own. I have free reign. It was very daunting at first, and to be honest, still is.

Up until today I've just been weeding. One plot, then the next and so on. Not excited, no plans, just to dig up more weeds. It wasn't until this morning that I finally got excited about it. I woke up thinking PUMPKINS!!

I did some research and found some pumpkin varieties that would be ready bu Halloween and also be a good enough size for jack-o-lanterns. Further research proved that those seeds are almost impossible to find. Okay, so no pumpkins for me this year. That doesn't mean I can't find other things to plant.

For the first time I'm actually looking to the future. Sure it's just a garden, but it's a goal. A goal that I can, will, and want to accomplish.

Mood: 7
Listening to: Lady Antebellum- I Was Here

People: Amazingly terrible and terribly amazing

2010-07-30T01:52:00.001-07:00

Today I realized how terrible people can make you feel and how amazing people can make you feel.

Started the day in pain. Headache, cramps and back aching so badly I could hardly get out of bed. Knowing I had to feed my kitty & let the dog out got me out of bed, and once I was up the prospect of coffee kept me out of bed.

Sat outside drinking coffee and smoking, enjoying the company of the animals. Still feeling awful, but the ibuprofen started kicking in about the time my neighbor invited me over to play with her puppy.

Getting my nose bitten and ears licked by the cutest little yorkie ever perked up my mood and got me feeling human again.

My neighbor had a friend over, and we started talking. For some reason she just had this amazing quality that made me feel comfortable and protected. I found myself opening up to her about my recent hospitalization and depression. She told me some of the things she'd been through, and her ways of coping, and somehow from her, they didn't seem preachy, or condescending... It was such a pleasure to talk to her that I found some motivation and actually did some housework and gardening.

By the time my housemate got home I was feeling cheerful and goofy.

Tonight I started talking to a friend. A sweet man who makes me feel special, wanted, smart and cute. For some reason, his attitude was different tonight... I realized that what I feel for him is more than he could ever feel for me. I realized that I can never expect anything from him other than what he's giving me right now: a friend to talk to. That is enough for me, though I wish I meant more to him.

The worst part is that when I realized that we could only be friends my mood plummeted. I went from goofy-cheerful to hopeless and resigned to more loneliness.

Mood: 3

Listening: Brian McKnight- Do I Ever Cross Your Mind

Indefinite break

2010-07-28T23:55:00.001-07:00

I have decided that I have been relying too much on Twitter for my social needs and too easily bothered when those needs don't get met. I am quitting Twitter for a bit. Maybe a couple days, maybe a few weeks, maybe forever, all I know is that it's doing me more harm than good right now.

Feel free to DM me on Twitter, or leave a comment with your contact info, if you'd like to stay in touch. Cheers for the good times.

From 2 - 8 in 10 hours.

2010-07-28T00:00:00.001-07:00

Today was an odd one. Odd good, I think.

It started out with the toe truck driver knocking on my door. My car finally got repossessed. I knew it was going to happen and have been expecting it for a few weeks. I have been struggling so hard to keep that car over the last year. I hate that all that stress was for nothing. I hate that I’ve lost my transportation, and freedom. On the flip side, it’s nice to have that stress off of my shoulders. I no longer have to worry about where I’m going to get the next payment.

I moped for a couple hours, but was pulled out of it by a sweet man who I always have good conversations with.

The day got even better when I decided to walk to the park to see the sun set. It was 2 miles away and I took Evie. It was calming to watch the sun sink into the ocean, knowing that at that same moment it was rising on a friend in England.

Mood: 8
Listening to: When Your Lover Has Gone - Billie Holiday

@soldoutactivist Blueberries? No thanks.

2010-07-27T23:08:00.001-07:00

Listen!

via AudioBoo

Why hope?

2010-07-26T22:14:00.001-07:00

I often find myself thinking that something MIGHT JUST work out in my favor. That MAYBE the worst case scenario isn't the most likely.

I'm wrong. I hate hope. It creeps up when you're least expecting it. When you really should know better. Makes you think that this time could be different. Makes you excited and then makes you fall even farther when inevitably whatever it is that you'd hoped for eludes you once again.

There's a reason I'm depressed. It's because often I forget to expect the worst.

Turning over leaves.

2010-07-25T22:55:00.001-07:00

I love the thought of "turning over a new leaf". I've often wondered where the phrase comes from. I understand that if you turn over a leaf, there's a new view on the back of it, but why a NEW leaf?

I would rather think that I am turning over the same leaf. Showing a new side to the world, but still a new side of ME. I will always be me, but sometimes I like to believe that I can retain my me-ness and still change… seem different and new.

I have met someone very special. He's always been around; I've just never spoken to him before for unexplainable reasons. He is a remarkable man, but why don't I have the faith to believe that even he can change me. Isn't it wrong for me to allow outside influences to affect me? Even if it's positive? I shouldn't be so weak as to rely on the caring of someone else to cause me to shine.

Is he my leaf? Do I turn it over and hope it is better on the other side? Why turn the leaf over at all? One side must be dingy and rotten; the other side fresh and new. Won't the new side become dingy and rotten just like the first side?

Hamlet had it right.

2010-04-30T09:07:00.000-07:00

Alright, here's the story: With all the problems I've been having at work, I've been feeling suicidal. Wednesday around 2 I got a call from a guy who became extreemly personally insulting. Insulting my inteligence, morals, sexual behavior and swearing a lot. I decided that I couldn't take it anymore, told my boss I was leaving and walked out.

I was again, scaring myself with thoughts of self-harm, so I went straight to my doctor who referred me to a psycologist, upped my mess dose and told me to take a few days off work.

I called work, left a message about what was going on, that I would be back Monday, packed up my cat and my car an headed out of town.

Thursday morning I got a call from work telling me I'd been fired.

So now, here I am, 200 miles from home, no job, dwindling cash, and no idea what to do next. I feel like Hamlet. To be, or not to be, indeed.

The End

2010-03-24T15:43:00.000-07:00

We have reached the end. I would like to say that it’s been a good run, but it hasn’t. If it had, perhaps I’d feel the need to continue the story, and not just end it here. As it is, there is nothing left.

I wake up each morning and go to work. No hopes except to make it through without getting fired. I spend the next 9 hours waiting for my workday to end so that I can go home. The next hour is spent in traffic, wishing it were an hour later so I’d be home. The next 4 hours are spent watching the clock, knowing that with each tick of every second I’m getting closer to having to go to bed, so that I can wake up and start the whole process again.

There is no joy. There is nothing to look forwards to. There is no potential in life that causes me to see anything to anticipate other than more pointless days.

As you can see, this makes a very boring story. It’s best to end it here rather than wasting any more of your time.

This is the end. The final page of the final chapter. This is what the entire story has been leading up to. A bit of a let down, isn’t it?

Fin.

Love Me

2010-03-07T22:33:00.000-08:00

Look into my heart and see the person who completes you. Gaze into my eyes and see the woman you've always dreamed of. See me for who I am and how I make you feel. Recognize that I am all you'll ever need.

Don't make me wither and die by keeping your love from me. Don't make my life be in vain because you couldn't see that I was created to be yours.

What's in a name...

2010-03-05T22:11:00.000-08:00

I recorded this to try a dramatic/romantic piece. All feed back is accepted/encouraged. If you have anything you'd like to have recorded please let me know. If you have any monologues, please, pass them on. I'd love to record them.

MrsClaus

2010-03-05T22:08:00.000-08:00

Another humorous piece. My fav of the three.

Instructions to the Audience

2010-03-05T22:07:00.001-08:00

This is a humorous piece that I recorded. Just trying to get my voice recorded, see what it's like. Feedback is always accepted.

I am an Island

2010-01-03T03:09:00.001-08:00

My life is empty. It's pointless. My dearest and closest friends are from Twitter. I have many real life acquaintances, but very few real friends. And even those few friends I have, I don't let close. There is only one person who I will let hug me for more than 4 seconds, and that's only because he once forced me to, broke down that barrier, and made me cry.

My Twitter friends are so dear, but they are only online. I feel safe behind that barrier, and can allow them to get close, because if they hurt me I can simply unfollow, or even block them and it's like they never existed. I can pretend that they never touched me.

I want so badly to be held right now. I wish there was somebody here that could just wrap me in his arms and make me feel protected. I ache for this. Even worse than that ache is the pain in the knowledge that I will never allow myself to be so vulnerable as to ask that of someone, or even allow them to 'protect' me if they wanted to. That is a weakness that I can't bare.

Even now, as I am putting my fears and emotional issues out here for all to see, I still feel safe. Because, as you know, you're simply an online persona who I don’t actually know, and you don't know me, and you can't hurt me, can you?

Xmas story - The baby & The Sorcerers

2009-12-04T07:51:00.000-08:00

I was given an idea by @Drdonelittle and just ran with it. This story would need polishing if I were to do anything more with it, but I'm happy to let is stand as-is and have no desire to tinker with it further. Feedback is encouraged!

It was a cold, cold night when Mary & Joseph arrived in town. The wind kicking up flurries of snow drove them toward the only dwelling that was lit. One lone candle shown through the window of the inn, making the snow at their feet glow as they knocked on the half-frozen door. The hinges creaked and the door opened just far enough for the innkeeper to peer at them through the crack. He eyed their tattered clothes and Mary‘s swollen stomach. “We’ve no room here. Not for the likes of you,” the man sneered, just before slamming the door in their faces.

From around the building came the sound of hooves stamping and cattle lowing. Joseph lead Mary toward the sound, and as he pushed though the doorway the relief from the piercing wind was instant. Joseph let out a sigh of relief at the relative comfort, just as Mary let out a shriek. “My baby! It’s coming!” Joseph quickly made a bed in the hay and lay her down as gently as possible as she panted and moaned in pain. Though he knew the child was not his, he loved Mary so much that handle her carefully, as though she were made of spun glass.

While Mary was birthing the child, far, far away three sorcerers saw an oddly shaped star lighting the sky in the distance. Being the curious sort, they set out to find the origin of this star. The night was bitter cold, but they felt drawn to the same city where Mary was now nursing her new born babe in the manger if the inhospitable inn. The arrived at the door just as the star winked out. They took this as a sign that they had arrived at their destination, and pushed through the doors to see a tired looking Mary, and proud Joseph.

“What is this? A baby sleeping in the hay?” they inquired. They were all so shocked to see the wrinkly messy new born baby that they decided to cast a spell to make him more presentable. One gifted him with a warm red fur coat with white fur around the collar, and cuffs. “This coat shall grow with the boy and fit him all of his days.” The second wise man, being more concerned with appearances, cast a spell that whisked away the mess of the birthing, and left the baby with a permanent smile on his rosy-cheeked face, and a little round belly. The next, being a jolly sort, endowed the baby with a generous nature, and cheerful disposition.

Through the years, as the child grew he started to show tremendous aptitude for having people love him, especially children. By the time he reached adulthood he was known for his extraordinary ability to make toys out of very little material. He acknowledged that his gift for craftsmanship was something he must not be selfish with, and he must share with everyone he could.

His ambition eventually became too small for his quiet home town, and he decided to make a journey to find the perfect place to set up his workshop. He traveled for miles and miles, over seemingly endless snowscapes, accompanied only by the reindeer pulling his sleigh, before he stumbled upon his new home.

He felt the magic an instant before his eye spied the little white pole with it’s glittery silver tip. He pulled up next to the pole, and could here the hum of many little voices far beneath his feet. Just as he reached out for the pole, the ground started to shake and tremble! Right before his eyes a staircase appeared and one by one tiny little people with pointy ears danced up the stairwell. “You’re here! You’re here!” they cried. “We knew you’d come!” “The sorcerers told us about you!” “Come see your new shop!” The air around him literally shook with the combined voices of the excited elves.

They lead him down the stairs and deep underground, stopping finally at two tremendous doors. The doors swung open to reveal many additional elves working with their tiny tools to create various kinds of toys and trinkets. As he looked around at his new domain, he knew that his dreams of being able to supply toys to every boy and girl on earth was now within his grasp. He was home.

Probably TMI.

2009-11-25T21:55:00.000-08:00

Friday, November 30, 2007

Prolly TMI, my bad...
Current mood:Scattered

I should have known it wouldn't work from the beginning. I mean, there was never any passion. Passion gets you through the hard times. Helps you remember what your working for. When that is lacking, how can you succeed? Makes me wonder why I did it in the first place... I don't even know... I loved him, I think I still do, we are still friends, and I don't mean that in the awkward, we are trying to pretend to be friends way. We do hang out and talk, there is no bitterness, thank god.

Then there was everyone saying "June Faire weddings never last" That was true, but I didn't believe it at the time. We had fun together. Then the sex stopped. Why does this happen just cuz you get married. I can't explain it. Once that dies, and if there's no passion, it becomes friendship, plain and simple. For a year, there was fighting about everything, just trying to piss each other off, then it turned into sullen silences. Crappy. Then for the last year, we really were just roommates. Roommates that slept in the same bed and had sex like once a month. Roommates that went camping with a group of friends once a month in the summer, and had mutual friends to hang out with. Roommates that didn't talk about hopes and dreams or plans for the future. Didn't even really converse about anything but the small "how was your day" stuff, just automatic questions and automatic answers.

Then I found it... PASSION! Desire... longing... I felt special, wanted, everything I was missing in marriage was right in front of me.

Too bad it was someone else offering it... I had met someone. Someone who opened my eyes to how a relationship should be. I realized that I was not broken, there was still a fountain of passion inside me, it just needed to be turned on and released. But this was not the man I was married to. This was wrong, deceitful. Did I marry the wrong person? At first it was just innocent flirting, then things gradually got more heated... flirting, innuendos... turning into phone sex. We never touched each other, but in our minds we had done everything that we possible could have. Mentally, I had crossed that fine line between innocent flirting and cheating. But I couldn't stop. I'd get home, and there was my husband, parked before his trusty computer, I hear the monotonous "hi-dear-how-was-your-day" and wanted to scream. How can he not see what's going on right in front of his face? How can he just let me do this? How can he not care he is losing me.

Then it hit the fan... actually quite subtly... We had "the talk" that we hadn't had in over a year. Things were going down hill and we should fix it. Apparently he HAD been trying to fix it, but I was too infatuated with someone else to notice. Looking back, it is possible. I don't know... So, for the sake of our vows, if, indeed, he had been trying to fix some of our issues, I finally let it out... I was falling in love with someone else.

OHMYGOD Did I just say that? Did I say it LIKE that? Yeah, you betcha. I could have been more diplomatic, but hey, what can you do?

Then there was the never ending silence. Then of course questions, why, how, how LONG, when? Once that was over, it was the "I need to sleep on this"

He decided he was not okay with it. I had broken our vows by even pretending to have sex with someone else. At first there was the talk of maybe working it out, but he just couldn't get over the fact that I had "cheated" on him. And in the back of both of our minds was the "Do i really want to spend the rest of my life being 'roommates'?" We both knew the answer was no. I threw myself into work, tons of over time, while he spent his time looking for somewhere to go.

A month after "the talk" he moved in with my best friend. I was FREE!!! There was a whole new world of possibilities! All of the sudden the world was full of single men, all I had to do was take my pick. I was not tied down any more! I wasn't tied down...

WTF??? He moved in with my best friend? What was going on here. Did they have something going on? Did I not notice that he too had found someone to feel that passion for? How could he care for someone besides me? What could she give him that I couldn't? How could she be so blatant as to let him move in??? What kind of hypocrite was he?

OMG, he is with another woman! He cant love her! He loves ME! Doesn't he? DOESNT HE? Omg, what if he doesn't? He doesn't love me, nobody does. I failed at my marriage. I failed at keeping someone in love with me. NO! I could get him back! Flirting, longing looks. But wait... no, I don't want him back... I am free now. I had nothing but options in front of me... I am so confused...

It finally came down to the old adage "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone." And it WORKED!

Turns out there was nothing going on with him and my friend. They had actually been friends longer than she and I. He had introduced us, lol. My mind didn't see that at the time. But I know now, there was never anything between them.

So here I am. I have a lovely FB who makes me feel better than anyone ever has... and no strings, no commitments, no expectations. I am a totally free agent. Sure, it would be nice to have a steady boyfriend, someone to sleep with regularly, someone to call when I am bored, someone to ask how my day was. But you know what? I can do whatever I want. I don't have anyone to answer to, and nobody to hurt me. With the assistance of invaluable friends (and lots of great shagging) I can be myself. While having these last couple months to myself to find out what I want to do. I have been able to be the person I want to be. The real person I am inside.

When I lost my husband, I found my best friend...Me.

Passion is my weakness

2009-11-25T21:46:00.000-08:00

This is a post that I made in my other blog and decided to transfer everything here. Enoy! or not. It's all the same with me.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Passion is my weakness... pt 1
Current mood: pleased
Category: Romance and Relationships

I had the BEST day yesterday!!!

So I was hoping to hang out with a friend, and I was all stoked, and then he said he couldn't, and I was totally bummed out, so I was like FUCK IT IMMA GET A BEER! So I went to the pub and got a beer, and got hit on by a really ugly guy, lol.

I was just gonna sit there and pout, but while I was there I was all like… why pout! Have fun! So I called a dif friend and told him he should meet me there. So about half an hour later he shows up, we drink way too much beer, and I tell him something that's been on my mind for while… I wanna see him naked. Okay, so this guy is JUST a friend, but I've always thought he was hot!!! And lately we've been hanging out more, and he is just SO sexy! So after 3 shared pitchers, I told him, lol. Oh! And he has a gf… another reason why we have only been friends, well that and cuz I thought he wasn't interested…

So we keep drinking, and he brings up a conversation we had a couple weeks ago, about how I was kinda looking for a FWB and he was intrigued. So OMG!!! I'm not gonna say details, cuz some of you know him, but HE PROPOSITIONED ME!!! FOR SEX!!! AAAAAAAAHH! The bad thing is, I am so tempted!

So now I am stuck in the dilemma whether or not to do it. I mean, if I were a guy, would this even be a discussion??? I'd just fuck the person… you know? I am just irritated, I guess, cuz for me, I would see it as a conquest… I mean, this really hot guy wants to fuck me… why wouldn't I? Again look at it from the opposite side : If it were a guy being propositioned by a hot chick he would lay her down right there! Even if she had a bf! People might think he's a bit of a db for having sex w/ a chick in a relationship, but even then, it would be "Oh it was her choice" or "hell yeah! You fucked ___" why is it ANY different cuz I'm a girl??? Why do I get judged harsher? Grrrr

Anyway, I am just saying it was fuckin awesome to be propositioned by this guy I've been lusting after for awhile.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Passion is my weakness… Pt 2 (warning this is WAY TMI, don‘t read if pt 1 bothered you…)

Last night he came over. We had a few drinks like normal. This is after he propositioned me last weekend… read pt 1 if you haven't yet, and come back to this.

Anyway, neither of us had said anything about it since last weekend. I hardly even saw him at work, just chatted a little on im. So yesterday I asked him if he wanted to have a few drinks after work, and he said sure. He came over after he got off and we had a couple drinks, watched a movie, and then, lol, started texting each other, LMAO!! How high school, right? Except, we didn't send them, we just passed the phone back and forth, I'm laughing at myself just thinking about it.

So he asked me if I even wanted to finish the movie, and I said that really found him attractive, blah blah blah, but wasn't really wanting to go all that far, maybe just making out… was so proud of myself. I told him up front that I didn't want to have sex. YAY ME!

We ended up taking the movie back to my room and finishing it there, watched a little youtube, lol neither of us made a move. Well I certainly wasn't going to!!! I ended up putting my laptop on my headboard and we laid there and talked for a min, then BAM! He was leaning over me… Hehehe, lol! Sorry, brains running away with me. Damn it! Okay, so he was leaning over me, and I am like FUCK this guy is sexy!!!!

He has a fantastic smile! Piercing eyes! Messy sexy hair! Nice pecs! Rockin body! Not super muscular, but he certainly has enough. But it's mostly the mouth… mmm. Okay, so he is leaning over me, one arm on each side of me, face above mine, his longish hair falling down into his face, and he's like "Hi" lol!!! So of course I HAVE to reach up and run my fingers through his hair, duh! And he leans down and we start to kiss.

Oh man! He has really nice lips! They are soft, and the way he moves them, in conjunction with his tongue… damn! Okay, so, yeah, he is a fantastic kisser! The way his mouth is moving with mine is amazing.

As we kiss we both kinda lose an article of clothing or two, and SWEEEEET! I get to see him without his shirt on, which is something I have been dreaming about for HOW long??? His chest is sexy, his shoulders are corded, his arms are bulgy, lol, probably bad descriptives, but I am just laying there, drinking in the sexiness that is he. I couldn't help but just stare, and as I was staring I couldn't help running my hands all over him. Hmmm… sorry, getting caught up thinking about it again. Where was I?

Well that was pretty much is actually. I guess all in all it was a pretty average make out session. Neither of us lost our bottoms, neither of us touched below the waist. It was just so amazing though!!! The sparks! The passion. During this whole thing I could hardly think! And that's how it should be! You should just totally lose yourself! Just be caught up in the feelings, the touching, the sensuality of two people enjoying each other.

I didn't let myself completely go, I couldn't. Then I woulda done what promised myself I wouldn't do. It was so hard though… letting my brain in, just enough to realize I was approaching the point of no return. But this situation just helps me realize what I need. What I deserve. Passion! I will never settle for less.

All about me.

2009-08-19T19:17:00.000-07:00

I was writing to someone about myself, and took the time to really try to see who I am. This is what I came up with:

I am not smart. I am not at all stupid, but I didn't go to college. I have an entry-level, dead-end job, and am too lazy to "recognize my full potential".

I can truly find humor in almost anything. I love trying and learning new things. I am impulsive, and love to be spontaneous. I am extremely social, and enjoy meeting new people and making any situation fun. I am always cheerful and optimistic with other people’s problems, and am very solution-oriented but a perpetual pessimist when it comes to my own life. I love people in a one on one setting and always want to do anything I can to help them in any way I can, but hate people as a whole and have fantasies of nuking entire groups of people.

I am a contradiction. I am extremely independent and need my space but when I am interested in a guy, he becomes my whole world. I think about him all the time and my life is brighter when he is near, or even if I am just IMing him. I have a hard time connecting with people, but when I do, it is dynamic. I don’t know that I have ever actually been in love. I believe that passion is more important than love. I aspire to one day meet a man whose passions run as high a mine and I won't HAVE to temper myself to keep from scaring him away...

I love to drink beer, go camping, have bonfires on the beach, and just enjoy the company of people around me. I have a wide range of interests because I find almost anything new to be exciting. The down side to that is that I become consumed with my new interest and lose interest very quickly. I loathe being cliché, but I really do see myself as tissue paper fire. I burn brightly and easily, but not for very long.

I am FED up with personals!

2009-08-03T18:14:00.000-07:00

I really don't want to come across as negative here, but I am so sick of internet dating!

I am looking for someone special. I have been divorced (NO KIDS!) and single for a year now, and after s bit of dating, I am ready for someone steady to share my time with. Enter: personals!

This internet dating this is such a hassle though! Or is it just me? I find myself drawn to craigslist, looking at the m4w section, looking at all the ads, browsing by age, pic only, you name it, but no matter what ads come up, the result is still the same. I have to decide to send an email. I have to be clever enough in my response to be chosen from among the others who have also emailed this “great guy”.

Then I get to wait for a reply. They waiting isn’t really so bad. It’s email, once it’s sent, it’s forgotten. When I do get a reply I then must decided how I will respond again! Are we going to exchange pics? Are we going to meet? Will he like my pics? Ugh. Then when we FINALLY meet we have to start all over from the beginning, as if we’d just met that person at the bar!

There’s always the option of me posting a personal myself. That’s even worse! I take my time trying to write something clever and witty that will stand out from all the other ads, and then have to wait for responses. Most of them are short one liners that do NOTHING to make me want to reply, others are just the generic blurb that the lazy ones post into every email response, several are so riddled with grammatical errors that it’s all I can do to not email them berating them for not paying attention in 2nd grade!

The few worthy replies that I do get I have to take the time and energy to decide how to respond. At this point you can just go reread paragraph 4, because it’s the same process.

There MUST be a better way!!!

Day 4

2009-07-23T13:36:00.000-07:00

I just woke up about an hour and a half ago, so not much to update.

Last night I drank the SWF and it worked quickly, but it also had me going to the bathroom for HOURS I drank it around 10:30, and at 1am I was still going to the bathroom. I had to make a 2am run to Walgreen's to get some Preparation H wipes because my bum was just so sore from all the wiping! I noticed around 3am my poo was not solid, but not liquid either, but it wasn't anything cool like those huge things of build up plaque that you see in some pictures.

I went to sleep around 4am, and slept pretty solid until noon. I has some weird dreams. Again with the food, but I didn't dream that I ate any of it this time. I feel okay today. Not full of energy yet, but not worn out like I was yesterday. No headache.

Noting else to report right now, but I'm sure I'll update again tonight.

Day 3 of the MC

2009-07-22T23:39:00.000-07:00

Today has been tough.

I went to bed early last night, around 1am, which is early for me, and woke up so many times! 5:30am, 7am, 7:30am, 8am, 9:30am and finally got out of bed at 10:30am. I puttered around a bit, but then was too tired to anything and really just wanted to sleep. I went back to bed around noon and lay there, unable to sleep, but feeling nice to just lay down. At this point I still had that headache that had been plaguing me all day yesterday, so just laying in the dark was nice.

Of the 2 quarts of lemonade I made this morning I have only had about 2/3 of it, and I still put less maple syrup in it. Maybe that's why I am tired? Not enough lemonade?

I got up around 3pm to head to work, and my headache was mostly gone. I was still feeling pretty worn out though. I was feeling worn out all day. That's why this post is so late. I just didn't feel like doing it today. I just wanted to go right to bed when I got home. I knew that if I didn't record today that I would regret it later though.

I got home from work and drank the salt water flush again. It tastes worse than before, and made my tunny hurt a bit. I was laying on my right side, like I'd read help, and it did seem to cut the time from 45-60 mins, to just 30 mins until I had to go. There's still just yellow liquid in toilet, but I did have a bm earlier today, and it was super soft, but not liquid.

Oh, and the hadache came back on my way home from work.

To tired to say anything else. Wish me luck for tomorrow.

Day 2

2009-07-21T19:44:00.000-07:00

Today has been just okay. Was tired most of the day, got a headache around 7pm and had a lot of cravings.

Last night when I was winding down for bed it seemed I couldn't get thoughts of food out of my head! I was craving something FIERCE! I won't be so mean as to list all the things I was thinking about. I kept trying not to think about it, but finally just gave in and let my self crave and think and dream til I almost drowned in my own saliva.

When I went to bed I had weird dreams, but those may have been because I started my monthly cycle yesterday. When I woke up this morning I was still a bit tired, but I got up, squeezed my lemons and mixed the days lemonade. I actually changed the recipe a bit. The original recipe is:

14 tbs (7/8 cup) lemon juice
14 tbs (7/8 cup) pure maple syrup
1/8 tsp cayenne powder
2 quarts of water
I revised it to:
7/8 cup lemon juice
1/2 cup male syrup
1/8 tsp cayenne per glass, added just before drinking
2 quarts water

I found that with equal lemon and maple syrup it was much too sweet and the maple flavor was overwhelming. Also, the cayenne powder seems to get hotter as it sits in the lemonade, and by the end of the say it overpowered everything and wasn't very pleasant. I can handle the heat, but the taste wasn't very good. I add 1/8 tsp of cayenne to each glass because the heat doesn't bother me and I figure more is better!

I have been peeing like CRAZY! at least 12 times a day! And surprisingly I had 2 mini BMs today. They were very soft, but there was a little something that came out.

I took a nap around noon because I was still tired for some reason, and dreamt that I ate food! I was so upset because I'd broken the fast, but I couldn't seem to stop myself from eating! I woke up relieved because I hadn't eaten. but still upset because I was scared of sleep eating, lol. All day I have been craving all kinds of food! It's driving me nuts! And what do I see when I get to work? A pot luck!! Arg! I resisted even though there were fresh veggies, and I could almost tell myself that it would be okay. If I did, though, I'd be trowing away all the hard work up until now!

Around 7pm I started to get a headache. I frequently get headaches so I am not really concerned and I know it's a symptom of detox. When I get home I'll do the SWF again and hopefully that goes well. I'm looking forward to the flavor of the salt again.

Salt Water Flush

2009-07-21T18:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday around 10pm I did the first salt water flush (swf).

I was dreading the taste of the salt water, and read that many people had a really really hard time downing it, AND keeping it down. I mixed 2 level teaspoons of sea salt into 1 quart of warm water, shook it up real good, and took a sip. It was SO yummy! After the too maple-y lemonade I was craving something salty, and even though this was a bit saltier than I would have liked, I really enjoyed the taste.

About 30 minutes after finishing the salt water I felt a few rumblings in my tummy, but no strong urges to go. About 40 minutes after drinking it I felt an urge, but nothing too bad. I had read it described as an URGENT need, but for me it was just an urge. About an hour after I went to the toilet and all that came out was liquid. I sat there about 10 mins and had about 3 movements. None of them painful. After I was finished, I looked and it was a cloudy yellow liquid. About 30 mins after that I had another urge, and had more of the same.

The flush, all in all, was very easy. From the point that I finished the salt water to the point where I was done having movements it was about an hour and a half. There was no cramping or pain, as is usually associated with liquidy bowels.

Doing the Master Cleanse

2009-07-20T18:01:00.000-07:00

I decided to do the master cleanse, partly to jumpstart my weight loss, but mostly to detox before I go back to being a raw foodist.

I'd forgot that I had been planning on starting the master cleanse Monday, today, so I had breakfast around 11am. I made a two egg omlette with just jalapenos, no cheese, and put it on 2 pieces of dry toast. (Looking back, it really wasn't all that bad of a breakfast.) I then remembered that I was supposed to be starting the MC so I made the lemonade with what I had on hand: Trader Joe's grade B pure maple syrup, RealLemon bottled lemon juice and cayenne pepper. I know I'm supposed to use fresh lemon juice, and I will tomorrow, but I didn't have time to run to the store and get them and juice them. Tomorrow, I promise.

So far I feel fine. I did notice that on my way to work as I passed fast food places I got cravings, but my stomach hasn't actually had any hunger pains. I know I had breakfast, but usually by this time I would be starving.

I am really looking forward to the salt water flush!! I know that's gross, but I am excited to see how the bowel movement happens, and all that. I know that after just one day there isn't likely to be anything cool in the toilet, but I'm excited all the same.

I'll keep you updated!