Perky

I. Woke. Up. Perky.

I popped out of bed with motivation. I applied to several jobs that I would actually enjoy doing. I turned on the radio. I looked forward to weeding.

Happy Friday the 13th.

After spending the last 2 days in the dismal clutches of a seemingly endless depression, I feel relieved and bit carefree!

Yesterday was terrible. I didn't want to speak, listen, see, think or exist. Worked myself into my first panic attack in years. Couldn't breath, couldn't stop scrubbing the deck. Monotonous movements were my only escape.

Started feeling suicidal again and became hysterical in the shower sincerely wondering why I still bothered to wake up. Sobbing uncontrollably to where I couldn't breath. A single moment of clarity made me impulsively turn the water to cold to snap myself out of it. After screaming and catching my breath from the icy shock, I realized I wasn't crying anymore.

I couldn't fall asleep until 6am, probably because I didn't want to take my sleeping pill. I woke at 7am, then a 9am, then finally at 11:30am. Upon waking, my first thought was, "I'm going to look for a job." And I did.

Not sure where the positive mood came from, and I don't really care. For the first time in months I feel good and I'm enjoying it.