Probably TMI.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Prolly TMI, my bad...
Current mood:Scattered


I should have known it wouldn't work from the beginning. I mean, there was never any passion. Passion gets you through the hard times. Helps you remember what your working for. When that is lacking, how can you succeed? Makes me wonder why I did it in the first place... I don't even know... I loved him, I think I still do, we are still friends, and I don't mean that in the awkward, we are trying to pretend to be friends way. We do hang out and talk, there is no bitterness, thank god.


Then there was everyone saying "June Faire weddings never last" That was true, but I didn't believe it at the time. We had fun together. Then the sex stopped. Why does this happen just cuz you get married. I can't explain it. Once that dies, and if there's no passion, it becomes friendship, plain and simple. For a year, there was fighting about everything, just trying to piss each other off, then it turned into sullen silences. Crappy. Then for the last year, we really were just roommates. Roommates that slept in the same bed and had sex like once a month. Roommates that went camping with a group of friends once a month in the summer, and had mutual friends to hang out with. Roommates that didn't talk about hopes and dreams or plans for the future. Didn't even really converse about anything but the small "how was your day" stuff, just automatic questions and automatic answers.


Then I found it... PASSION! Desire... longing... I felt special, wanted, everything I was missing in marriage was right in front of me.


Too bad it was someone else offering it... I had met someone. Someone who opened my eyes to how a relationship should be. I realized that I was not broken, there was still a fountain of passion inside me, it just needed to be turned on and released. But this was not the man I was married to. This was wrong, deceitful. Did I marry the wrong person? At first it was just innocent flirting, then things gradually got more heated... flirting, innuendos... turning into phone sex. We never touched each other, but in our minds we had done everything that we possible could have. Mentally, I had crossed that fine line between innocent flirting and cheating. But I couldn't stop. I'd get home, and there was my husband, parked before his trusty computer, I hear the monotonous "hi-dear-how-was-your-day" and wanted to scream. How can he not see what's going on right in front of his face? How can he just let me do this? How can he not care he is losing me.


Then it hit the fan... actually quite subtly... We had "the talk" that we hadn't had in over a year. Things were going down hill and we should fix it. Apparently he HAD been trying to fix it, but I was too infatuated with someone else to notice. Looking back, it is possible. I don't know... So, for the sake of our vows, if, indeed, he had been trying to fix some of our issues, I finally let it out... I was falling in love with someone else.


OHMYGOD Did I just say that? Did I say it LIKE that? Yeah, you betcha. I could have been more diplomatic, but hey, what can you do?


Then there was the never ending silence. Then of course questions, why, how, how LONG, when? Once that was over, it was the "I need to sleep on this"


He decided he was not okay with it. I had broken our vows by even pretending to have sex with someone else. At first there was the talk of maybe working it out, but he just couldn't get over the fact that I had "cheated" on him. And in the back of both of our minds was the "Do i really want to spend the rest of my life being 'roommates'?" We both knew the answer was no. I threw myself into work, tons of over time, while he spent his time looking for somewhere to go.


A month after "the talk" he moved in with my best friend. I was FREE!!! There was a whole new world of possibilities! All of the sudden the world was full of single men, all I had to do was take my pick. I was not tied down any more! I wasn't tied down...


WTF??? He moved in with my best friend? What was going on here. Did they have something going on? Did I not notice that he too had found someone to feel that passion for? How could he care for someone besides me? What could she give him that I couldn't? How could she be so blatant as to let him move in??? What kind of hypocrite was he?


OMG, he is with another woman! He cant love her! He loves ME! Doesn't he? DOESNT HE? Omg, what if he doesn't? He doesn't love me, nobody does. I failed at my marriage. I failed at keeping someone in love with me. NO! I could get him back! Flirting, longing looks. But wait... no, I don't want him back... I am free now. I had nothing but options in front of me... I am so confused...


It finally came down to the old adage "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone." And it WORKED!


Turns out there was nothing going on with him and my friend. They had actually been friends longer than she and I. He had introduced us, lol. My mind didn't see that at the time. But I know now, there was never anything between them.


So here I am. I have a lovely FB who makes me feel better than anyone ever has... and no strings, no commitments, no expectations. I am a totally free agent. Sure, it would be nice to have a steady boyfriend, someone to sleep with regularly, someone to call when I am bored, someone to ask how my day was. But you know what? I can do whatever I want. I don't have anyone to answer to, and nobody to hurt me. With the assistance of invaluable friends (and lots of great shagging) I can be myself. While having these last couple months to myself to find out what I want to do. I have been able to be the person I want to be. The real person I am inside.

When I lost my husband, I found my best friend...Me.

Passion is my weakness

This is a post that I made in my other blog and decided to transfer everything here. Enoy! or not. It's all the same with me.




Saturday, August 23, 2008

Passion is my weakness... pt 1
Current mood: pleased
Category: Romance and Relationships

I had the BEST day yesterday!!!

So I was hoping to hang out with a friend, and I was all stoked, and then he said he couldn't, and I was totally bummed out, so I was like FUCK IT IMMA GET A BEER! So I went to the pub and got a beer, and got hit on by a really ugly guy, lol.

I was just gonna sit there and pout, but while I was there I was all like… why pout! Have fun! So I called a dif friend and told him he should meet me there. So about half an hour later he shows up, we drink way too much beer, and I tell him something that's been on my mind for while… I wanna see him naked. Okay, so this guy is JUST a friend, but I've always thought he was hot!!! And lately we've been hanging out more, and he is just SO sexy! So after 3 shared pitchers, I told him, lol. Oh! And he has a gf… another reason why we have only been friends, well that and cuz I thought he wasn't interested…

So we keep drinking, and he brings up a conversation we had a couple weeks ago, about how I was kinda looking for a FWB and he was intrigued. So OMG!!! I'm not gonna say details, cuz some of you know him, but HE PROPOSITIONED ME!!! FOR SEX!!! AAAAAAAAHH! The bad thing is, I am so tempted!

So now I am stuck in the dilemma whether or not to do it. I mean, if I were a guy, would this even be a discussion??? I'd just fuck the person… you know? I am just irritated, I guess, cuz for me, I would see it as a conquest… I mean, this really hot guy wants to fuck me… why wouldn't I? Again look at it from the opposite side : If it were a guy being propositioned by a hot chick he would lay her down right there! Even if she had a bf! People might think he's a bit of a db for having sex w/ a chick in a relationship, but even then, it would be "Oh it was her choice" or "hell yeah! You fucked ___" why is it ANY different cuz I'm a girl??? Why do I get judged harsher? Grrrr

Anyway, I am just saying it was fuckin awesome to be propositioned by this guy I've been lusting after for awhile.




Saturday, August 30, 2008

Passion is my weakness… Pt 2 (warning this is WAY TMI, don‘t read if pt 1 bothered you…)


Last night he came over. We had a few drinks like normal. This is after he propositioned me last weekend… read pt 1 if you haven't yet, and come back to this.

Anyway, neither of us had said anything about it since last weekend. I hardly even saw him at work, just chatted a little on im. So yesterday I asked him if he wanted to have a few drinks after work, and he said sure. He came over after he got off and we had a couple drinks, watched a movie, and then, lol, started texting each other, LMAO!! How high school, right? Except, we didn't send them, we just passed the phone back and forth, I'm laughing at myself just thinking about it.

So he asked me if I even wanted to finish the movie, and I said that really found him attractive, blah blah blah, but wasn't really wanting to go all that far, maybe just making out… was so proud of myself. I told him up front that I didn't want to have sex. YAY ME!

We ended up taking the movie back to my room and finishing it there, watched a little youtube, lol neither of us made a move. Well I certainly wasn't going to!!! I ended up putting my laptop on my headboard and we laid there and talked for a min, then BAM! He was leaning over me… Hehehe, lol! Sorry, brains running away with me. Damn it! Okay, so he was leaning over me, and I am like FUCK this guy is sexy!!!!

He has a fantastic smile! Piercing eyes! Messy sexy hair! Nice pecs! Rockin body! Not super muscular, but he certainly has enough. But it's mostly the mouth… mmm. Okay, so he is leaning over me, one arm on each side of me, face above mine, his longish hair falling down into his face, and he's like "Hi" lol!!! So of course I HAVE to reach up and run my fingers through his hair, duh! And he leans down and we start to kiss.

Oh man! He has really nice lips! They are soft, and the way he moves them, in conjunction with his tongue… damn! Okay, so, yeah, he is a fantastic kisser! The way his mouth is moving with mine is amazing.

As we kiss we both kinda lose an article of clothing or two, and SWEEEEET! I get to see him without his shirt on, which is something I have been dreaming about for HOW long??? His chest is sexy, his shoulders are corded, his arms are bulgy, lol, probably bad descriptives, but I am just laying there, drinking in the sexiness that is he. I couldn't help but just stare, and as I was staring I couldn't help running my hands all over him. Hmmm… sorry, getting caught up thinking about it again. Where was I?

Well that was pretty much is actually. I guess all in all it was a pretty average make out session. Neither of us lost our bottoms, neither of us touched below the waist. It was just so amazing though!!! The sparks! The passion. During this whole thing I could hardly think! And that's how it should be! You should just totally lose yourself! Just be caught up in the feelings, the touching, the sensuality of two people enjoying each other.

I didn't let myself completely go, I couldn't. Then I woulda done what promised myself I wouldn't do. It was so hard though… letting my brain in, just enough to realize I was approaching the point of no return. But this situation just helps me realize what I need. What I deserve. Passion! I will never settle for less.