Probably TMI.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Prolly TMI, my bad...
Current mood:Scattered


I should have known it wouldn't work from the beginning. I mean, there was never any passion. Passion gets you through the hard times. Helps you remember what your working for. When that is lacking, how can you succeed? Makes me wonder why I did it in the first place... I don't even know... I loved him, I think I still do, we are still friends, and I don't mean that in the awkward, we are trying to pretend to be friends way. We do hang out and talk, there is no bitterness, thank god.


Then there was everyone saying "June Faire weddings never last" That was true, but I didn't believe it at the time. We had fun together. Then the sex stopped. Why does this happen just cuz you get married. I can't explain it. Once that dies, and if there's no passion, it becomes friendship, plain and simple. For a year, there was fighting about everything, just trying to piss each other off, then it turned into sullen silences. Crappy. Then for the last year, we really were just roommates. Roommates that slept in the same bed and had sex like once a month. Roommates that went camping with a group of friends once a month in the summer, and had mutual friends to hang out with. Roommates that didn't talk about hopes and dreams or plans for the future. Didn't even really converse about anything but the small "how was your day" stuff, just automatic questions and automatic answers.


Then I found it... PASSION! Desire... longing... I felt special, wanted, everything I was missing in marriage was right in front of me.


Too bad it was someone else offering it... I had met someone. Someone who opened my eyes to how a relationship should be. I realized that I was not broken, there was still a fountain of passion inside me, it just needed to be turned on and released. But this was not the man I was married to. This was wrong, deceitful. Did I marry the wrong person? At first it was just innocent flirting, then things gradually got more heated... flirting, innuendos... turning into phone sex. We never touched each other, but in our minds we had done everything that we possible could have. Mentally, I had crossed that fine line between innocent flirting and cheating. But I couldn't stop. I'd get home, and there was my husband, parked before his trusty computer, I hear the monotonous "hi-dear-how-was-your-day" and wanted to scream. How can he not see what's going on right in front of his face? How can he just let me do this? How can he not care he is losing me.


Then it hit the fan... actually quite subtly... We had "the talk" that we hadn't had in over a year. Things were going down hill and we should fix it. Apparently he HAD been trying to fix it, but I was too infatuated with someone else to notice. Looking back, it is possible. I don't know... So, for the sake of our vows, if, indeed, he had been trying to fix some of our issues, I finally let it out... I was falling in love with someone else.


OHMYGOD Did I just say that? Did I say it LIKE that? Yeah, you betcha. I could have been more diplomatic, but hey, what can you do?


Then there was the never ending silence. Then of course questions, why, how, how LONG, when? Once that was over, it was the "I need to sleep on this"


He decided he was not okay with it. I had broken our vows by even pretending to have sex with someone else. At first there was the talk of maybe working it out, but he just couldn't get over the fact that I had "cheated" on him. And in the back of both of our minds was the "Do i really want to spend the rest of my life being 'roommates'?" We both knew the answer was no. I threw myself into work, tons of over time, while he spent his time looking for somewhere to go.


A month after "the talk" he moved in with my best friend. I was FREE!!! There was a whole new world of possibilities! All of the sudden the world was full of single men, all I had to do was take my pick. I was not tied down any more! I wasn't tied down...


WTF??? He moved in with my best friend? What was going on here. Did they have something going on? Did I not notice that he too had found someone to feel that passion for? How could he care for someone besides me? What could she give him that I couldn't? How could she be so blatant as to let him move in??? What kind of hypocrite was he?


OMG, he is with another woman! He cant love her! He loves ME! Doesn't he? DOESNT HE? Omg, what if he doesn't? He doesn't love me, nobody does. I failed at my marriage. I failed at keeping someone in love with me. NO! I could get him back! Flirting, longing looks. But wait... no, I don't want him back... I am free now. I had nothing but options in front of me... I am so confused...


It finally came down to the old adage "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone." And it WORKED!


Turns out there was nothing going on with him and my friend. They had actually been friends longer than she and I. He had introduced us, lol. My mind didn't see that at the time. But I know now, there was never anything between them.


So here I am. I have a lovely FB who makes me feel better than anyone ever has... and no strings, no commitments, no expectations. I am a totally free agent. Sure, it would be nice to have a steady boyfriend, someone to sleep with regularly, someone to call when I am bored, someone to ask how my day was. But you know what? I can do whatever I want. I don't have anyone to answer to, and nobody to hurt me. With the assistance of invaluable friends (and lots of great shagging) I can be myself. While having these last couple months to myself to find out what I want to do. I have been able to be the person I want to be. The real person I am inside.

When I lost my husband, I found my best friend...Me.