Gardening Therapy

Since getting out of the hospital and moving into a friend's house, I've had a project.

He wants me to turn his weedy overgrown garden into an Eden! Okay, not quite, I think even HE knows I have limits. He said that if I did all the weeding and planting it would cover rent. Seems fair enough for a safe and comfortable place for my kitty and I.

It's been a LOT more work than I anticipated. I didn't realize until we had a somewhat intense discussion that he had ulterior motives. He understands that a large part of my depression comes from a lack of goals and ambition. I have no desires, goals or aspirations in life and have spent the last 3 years simply existing. Working to pay bills with no view past the end of the month. Not accomplishing anything besides putting a roof over my head and food in my belly.

 
He wants me to produce something. Something that I can be proud of and call my own. I have free reign. It was very daunting at first, and to be honest, still is.

Up until today I've just been weeding. One plot, then the next and so on. Not excited, no plans, just to dig up more weeds. It wasn't until this morning that I finally got excited about it. I woke up thinking PUMPKINS!!

I did some research and found some pumpkin varieties that would be ready bu Halloween and also be a good enough size for jack-o-lanterns. Further research proved that those seeds are almost impossible to find. Okay, so no pumpkins for me this year. That doesn't mean I can't find other things to plant.

For the first time I'm actually looking to the future. Sure it's just a garden, but it's a goal. A goal that I can, will, and want to accomplish.

 

Mood: 7
Listening to: Lady Antebellum- I Was Here

People: Amazingly terrible and terribly amazing

Today I realized how terrible people can make you feel and how amazing people can make you feel.

Started the day in pain. Headache, cramps and back aching so badly I could hardly get out of bed. Knowing I had to feed my kitty & let the dog out got me out of bed, and once I was up the prospect of coffee kept me out of bed.

Sat outside drinking coffee and smoking, enjoying the company of the animals. Still feeling awful, but the ibuprofen started kicking in about the time my neighbor invited me over to play with her puppy.

Getting my nose bitten and ears licked by the cutest little yorkie ever perked up my mood and got me feeling human again.

My neighbor had a friend over, and we started talking. For some reason she just had this amazing quality that made me feel comfortable and protected. I found myself opening up to her about my recent hospitalization and depression. She told me some of the things she'd been through, and her ways of coping, and somehow from her, they didn't seem preachy, or condescending... It was such a pleasure to talk to her that I found some motivation and actually did some housework and gardening.

By the time my housemate got home I was feeling cheerful and goofy.

Tonight I started talking to a friend. A sweet man who makes me feel special, wanted, smart and cute. For some reason, his attitude was different tonight... I realized that what I feel for him is more than he could ever feel for me. I realized that I can never expect anything from him other than what he's giving me right now: a friend to talk to. That is enough for me, though I wish I meant more to him.

The worst part is that when I realized that we could only be friends my mood plummeted. I went from goofy-cheerful to hopeless and resigned to more loneliness.

Mood: 3

Listening:  Brian McKnight- Do I Ever Cross Your Mind

Indefinite break

 

I have decided that I have been relying too much on Twitter for my social needs and too easily bothered when those needs don't get met. I am quitting Twitter for a bit. Maybe a couple days, maybe a few weeks, maybe forever, all I know is that it's doing me more harm than good right now.

Feel free to DM me on Twitter, or leave a comment with your contact info, if you'd like to stay in touch. Cheers for the good times.

From 2 - 8 in 10 hours.

Today was an odd one. Odd good, I think.

It started out with the toe truck driver knocking on my door. My car finally got repossessed. I knew it was going to happen and have been expecting it for a few weeks. I have been struggling so hard to keep that car over the last year. I hate that all that stress was for nothing. I hate that I’ve lost my transportation, and freedom. On the flip side, it’s nice to have that stress off of my shoulders. I no longer have to worry about where I’m going to get the next payment.

I moped for a couple hours, but was pulled out of it by a sweet man who I always have good conversations with.

The day got even better when I decided to walk to the park to see the sun set. It was 2 miles away and I took Evie. It was calming to watch the sun sink into the ocean, knowing that at that same moment it was rising on a friend in England.

Mood: 8
Listening to: When Your Lover Has Gone - Billie Holiday

@soldoutactivist Blueberries? No thanks.

via AudioBoo

Why hope?

I often find myself thinking that something MIGHT JUST work out in my favor. That MAYBE the worst case scenario isn't the most likely.

I'm wrong. I hate hope. It creeps up when you're least expecting it. When you really should know better. Makes you think that this time could be different. Makes you excited and then makes you fall even farther when inevitably whatever it is that you'd hoped for eludes you once again.

There's a reason I'm depressed. It's because often I forget to expect the worst.

Turning over leaves.

I love the thought of "turning over a new leaf". I've often wondered where the phrase comes from. I understand that if you turn over a leaf, there's a new view on the back of it, but why a NEW leaf?

I would rather think that I am turning over the same leaf. Showing a new side to the world, but still a new side of ME. I will always be me, but sometimes I like to believe that I can retain my me-ness and still change… seem different and new.

I have met someone very special. He's always been around; I've just never spoken to him before for unexplainable reasons. He is a remarkable man, but why don't I have the faith to believe that even he can change me. Isn't it wrong for me to allow outside influences to affect me? Even if it's positive? I shouldn't be so weak as to rely on the caring of someone else to cause me to shine.

Is he my leaf? Do I turn it over and hope it is better on the other side? Why turn the leaf over at all? One side must be dingy and rotten; the other side fresh and new. Won't the new side become dingy and rotten just like the first side?