@BahBahBrabSheep @CwtchyKate A ditty for you. It's shit, but the thought that counts x

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@BahBahBrabSheep @CwtchyKate fucking tears.

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@cwtchykate I'm shit at cheering people

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Dance for Kate

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Thought Record

8/26/10

Situation-
Job interview

Thoughts-
Don't get your hopes up
You're not going to get it
Don't hope. It'll just suck more when you don't get it
I really could like this job
I might stay in this field for a long time
I can do this job

Feelings-
Excitment 60%
nervous 30%
dread 70%
confident 50%

8/29/10

Situation -
Mike tells me to move out.

Thoughts-
I ruin everything
Life is always going to be shit
I can't do anything right
I'm a user. I use everyone
I have nothing left
I ruin every thing
I ruin every thing
I ruin every thing
This isn't just a "hard time" I bring it all on myself
Nobody can trust me

Feelings-
Worthless 100%
Useless 96%
sad 10%
angry 75%
hopeless 90%

8/29/10

Situation-
Kim offered to let me sleep in her basement

Thoughts-
She doesn't really want me
I'll screw that up too
It'll just be a repeat of Mike & Mark
I can't do anything right
I don't try hard enough
I don't deserve her friendship
She shouldn't be so nice to me
I can't tale her offer because she might find out that I'm a user and not worth her help
I am just like my mother
I'm not worth her trouble
I should just kill myself
All I do it take
If I accept her offer she'll regret it and never help anyone again, even someone more deserving than me.

Haiku boo

 via AudioBoo Feather downs winter // time savages everything //Smoldering feather

 

Not a happy read. You've been warned.

This isn't a suicide note. This is a to be or not to be note.

My housemate told me today that I need to move out.

I have nowhere to go. Litterally. I have no friends to lean on, no money to support myself and get my own place.

I have 2 option. Be homeless, or be nothing.

I can't imagine being homeless. I'd have to get rid of all my things except for a backpack of... What? Clothes? Food? What do homeless people keep with them? What would I do with my cat? Homeless people can't keep cats.

I could also die. If I'm dead, then I don't have to worry about where I'll sleep, whether I'll get mugged, or beat up in the street. I won't have to worry about my cat.

Killing myself seems like the best option right now. Like it often does. The only thing that bothers me about that is... Well... I've started to see a little bit of point to living since I was last at this juncture.

I don't specifically want to die right now, but it seems to be the best of two options.

The story of Bed Boy

Bed boy and I started talking online, mid October. He was funny and charming, but I had no desire to take it any farther than just an online friendship.

After 2 months of talking online daily and a few phone calls, I finally gave in.  I invited him over for a movie.

I'd seen pictures of him, but I wasn't really prepared for what I saw. A scruffy, somewhat overweight man about 5'10". A man with a heart-stopping smile, warm eyes and an infectious laugh.

I was instantly drawn to him, and made no resistance when, during the movie, he put his arm around me and pulled me close to him. Being with him felt completely natural. He would look over at me occasionally and my eyes would be so drawn to his that I couldn't look away, couldn't breath...

After several minutes of cuddling and several heated looks he reached over, placed a finger under my chin and slowly moved in to place his lips against mine.

This was truly the best first kiss I'd ever had. We were both so at ease with each other that there was no awkwardness. Our lips moved in sync, our breathing perfectly matched. I may have fell in love with him at that very moment.

Needless to say, we didn't finish the movie. After several minutes of kissing and cuddling we decided to turn the movie off and go to bed. Again there was no awkwardness as we undressed, slid under the blanket and moved together. Neither of us talked about how far we were going to go last night, but we didn't need to. Everything was easy and natural. We kissed, touched, cuddled and slept. In the morning I walked him to his car and he kissed me goodbye for several minutes.

Later that day he texted me saying how much he enjoyed being with me and wanted to go out on a proper date. I accepted and we made plans for 4 days later.

Each moment was an eternity. I couldn't wait to see him again. The following 3 days were spent waiting eagerly for every text from him, and begging father time to make each minute pass faster. On the third day I got a text from him saying that he had to work and couldn't make our date. I was crushed, but told him that it was okay, and just to let me know when he was free again. That text never came.

We continued to text, but slowly, fewer and fewer a week until by the end of January, we weren't speaking.

What happened? What went wrong? I was certain that he felt the same connection I'd felt...

I let him go. You can't force someone to care about you, and I have never wanted that kind of love.

Middle of March, after not hearing from him for 2 months, he texts me. We talk a bit, he seems like the same charming, funny I first started talking to. I let my guard down bit by bit and let him in again. He said he was sorry, I said that I'd missed him, he said that he truly liked me, and wanted to see me again, and many times after. I invited him over again, and when he showed up at my door with that smile the hurt of the last 3 months completely melted away.

This time we didn't even try to watch a movie. We cuddled on the couch, touching, kissing, then, again, moved to the bed. There was so much passion and tenderness. We didn't have to say anything, everything was so natural. After making love we continued to cuddle until we fell asleep, he left in the morning saying we would set up a date for the next week.

He texted me throughout the day, saying sweet things, I may have fallen in love with him again that day.

That night he texts me. He says that he'd put 2 weeks notice in at his job. He was going to look for a new one, and if he didn't find one in 2 weeks, he'd move back home to Portland. I panicked. I couldn't lose him after I'd just gotten him back! I said comforting words, tried to be encouraging.

The next day I let him be, knowing that he was stressed out and he would text me when he had time.

Around 4pm I texted him to see how he was doing and got the following response: "Work let me go today. I've already moved back to Portland. Sorry."

How could I have been so dumb? How could I give my heart away so easily? He is the only man who has ever touched me so deeply. Even now, when I doubt that I ever loved my ex husband, or any of my former boyfriends, I think of him and know that that is the closest I've ever felt to being in love.

Every time I think of him it hurts. Even now, 5 months later. We only had 2 dates. How could someone carve themselves a place in my heart so quickly and stay there, unable to be washed away? He is the closest I've ever come to love at first sight, and possibly the closest I've ever come to really loving someone. I had to let him go and there is nothing I can do about it.

Cluster swears for @diaryofaledger

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In bed on a rainy day. #bliss (@blade376)

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King's Iceberg -- Share it!

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Help: Listen and reply back to me! (I forgot the question though)

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@Tru Bad dream. You were in it. Sad face.

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Kittenboo! Bebeh kittehs!

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Perky

I. Woke. Up. Perky.

I popped out of bed with motivation. I applied to several jobs that I would actually enjoy doing. I turned on the radio. I looked forward to weeding.

Happy Friday the 13th.

After spending the last 2 days in the dismal clutches of a seemingly endless depression, I feel relieved and bit carefree!

Yesterday was terrible. I didn't want to speak, listen, see, think or exist. Worked myself into my first panic attack in years. Couldn't breath, couldn't stop scrubbing the deck. Monotonous movements were my only escape.

Started feeling suicidal again and became hysterical in the shower sincerely wondering why I still bothered to wake up. Sobbing uncontrollably to where I couldn't breath. A single moment of clarity made me impulsively turn the water to cold to snap myself out of it. After screaming and catching my breath from the icy shock, I realized I wasn't crying anymore.

I couldn't fall asleep until 6am, probably because I didn't want to take my sleeping pill. I woke at 7am, then a 9am, then finally at 11:30am. Upon waking, my first thought was, "I'm going to look for a job." And I did.

Not sure where the positive mood came from, and I don't really care. For the first time in months I feel good and I'm enjoying it.

I have died

Though blood still courses through my body and air fills my lungs, I am dead.

By deleting my Twitter and Facebook acounts I no longer exist. My social presence has vanished.

I've, in part, suffered the death I long for.

There are hundreds of people in various corners of the earth who have called me 'friend'. Since I had never met them, and they no longer have means of communicating with me, I have vanished from their life as completely as if I had died.

All that remains of me is a memory.

Is this actually depression?

I can talk. I can socialize with people. I can concentrate on a book or movie. I can get out of bed. I sound peppy.
If I can do all that, doesn't that make me normal? If a sign of depression is the inability to do those tasks, am I depressed? If I can get out of bed, talk to people and sound peppy, and concentrate, does that mean that I'm NOT depressed? Stands to reason...
Sure I made a plan to kill myself, have no ambition, don't see any personal worth, but maybe that's all justified, not depression. Perhaps there's truely no point to my life, and the desire to end it isn't caused by depression, but rather the realization that the world has nothing to gain from me being in it and nature trying to be rid of me.
27 years of wasted air, space, food... All resources in general. I've not made any impact on the world. There's nothing to show for my life, and if the past is any indication of the future, there will likely be another 27 years of the same. Why continue to consume when the resources I'm exhausting could fuel someone worthwhile?
These are valid thoughts and ideas. Directly stated, what if I'm not suffering from "depression" but simply a realization of the truth?


Mood: 2
Listening to: Jim Brickman- Lake Erie Rainfall

Disintegrating Raft

I'm feeling lost today... I haven't don't any gardening since Friday and every time I think of getting out there I feel how hot it is and lose all interest in everything. I have done nothing today but read and watch some shows. I'm floundering, and can't fight my way to the top of the muck.

I feel like I need someone to talk to, but there's nobody. Did I ever have anyone to talk to? I must have... But who? Where did they go and why can't I remember their names?

There are people out there, but I can't trust them.  I want to reach out, but I know they'll hurt me.

My life is like a hand-build raft. Feels solid, floats, but I don't really know what it takes to build a raft. My raft is slowly coming apart. I can swim, but not forever. I can reach out for a log and it will float me, but I know that eventually it will roll over and dump me back into the water...

 

Mood: 4

Lisntening to: Safe In Your Embrace- Kevin Kern

Ready to love again

I've recently had a dawning. It's a biggy! Here it is: I deserve to treat myself with respect.

For many people, that's not so hard. For me? It's been years. Possibly decades since I've really believed that I deserve to get what I actually want and need instead of settling.

This post is centered around love. I have settled for so much. I married a man that I didn't truly love because I thought it was what I should have done. I have had sex with men that I didn't really care about, who only wanted sex FROM me. While that was fun, I now know that I deserve better. I owe myself more.

I'm ready to love now. I'm ready to be loved. I ready to demand caring. I'm no longer afraid of losing a guy because I want him to care about ALL of me. Before, I would give him what ever he wanted, usually just sex, because I thought that if I didn't, he wouldn't like me anymore. The truth is, I didn't like myself enough to know that all he wanted was sex, and I wouldn't get anything more than that from him. I couldn't say no.

I don't believe that anymore. I want affection. I want cuddling. I want conversation. I want love. I am ready for that. I am ready to accept that from a man who really does care about me.

I may not know that man right now, and I may not find him for years, but I'm ready to wait. I won't give in to anything less just for a moment of comfort. The man who can love me the way I deserve to be loved is out there and until I find him, I'm happy to wait. I don't need more temporary. I deserve permanent.

I won't settle. I don't need to. I can love myself enough until the right guy comes along. I refuse to give in.